Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Art of Dating - Part 1: Making the First Move and How

Before I start this post, it is essential that we clearly define the term date, for in a city like New Delhi, where English is one of the most butchered of all languages (due to the fact the denizens so eagerly fuse it with Hindi and peasant regional lingos of their respective states), a simple term like ‘date’ can have so many misconceptions. After all, this is the very same city which says the act of asking a person out on a date is called ‘propose’ – yes, I too was shocked and appalled at this!


According to the Merriam Webster’s dictionary, a date is an appointment to meet at a specified time, especially, a social engagement between two persons that has a romantic character. This should not be confused with the term booty-call because not all dates are blatantly about cold no-strings attached sex.


Now this might be a bit of a shock to most people who read this post, but about seventy-six percent of the denizens of this city, not just the gay ones, have no clue about how to plan out a first date, let alone a second, third, or fourth. It was probably in the late eighties that the term ‘date’ began to be used in metropolitan lingo, and later on, the term spread through the masses all over. However, it clearly seems like none of them really know the etiquette involved, as well as, how to go about the entire process.


So without further delay, here is a little guide that when followed, will assure a ninety percent improvement in the success rate of your dates and your dating life in general.


Asking someone out

Knowing how to ask someone out is half the battle. Many a times people hesitate to do so and cite numerous excuses about why they do so – be it “a bottom never makes the first move” or “I prefer being asked not asking” and my favorite “it goes against my lady-like-sensibilities”. Whenever you give yourself such an excuse, it’s complete bullshit, because at the end of the day, it’s just your own low self-esteem issues and fear of rejection that prevents you from asking the perfect person out on a date. Majority of the times, people even claim to be shy, but the truth is they can’t differentiate between being shy and fearing rejection.


Now if you’re hungry, do you wait for food to magically crawl over onto your plate (unless of course you’re Korean and eat live squid)? If you’re thirsty do you wait for water to pour itself in a glass in front of you? No – you go satisfy your hunger by either preparing a meal yourself or going/ordering out, and when thirsty, you get off your lazy butt and pour yourself a glass of water. Being ‘shy’ and ‘lady-like’ doesn’t hold you back from eating when hungry and drinking when thirsty, and hence it shouldn’t really hold you back from asking the cute guy you’ve been eyeing on the gay personals site for oh so long.


What’s the worst that can happen? They say ‘no’ or don’t respond to your message? Big deal! Dating is risk. It could or it couldn’t work, but it’s a risk either way. At least when you make an attempt, you have a fifty percent greater chance of that person agreeing to go out with you, than if you don’t make an attempt due to your ‘shyness’. So next time you’re browsing through gaydar, manjam, or guys4men, or the various other sites out there, and you see the guy you fancy. Send him a message! The best guys are never single for long, hence make your move now before you regret it and live in a melancholic slump of “what if?” and “if only?”


The opening message


Now this is another essential aspect in the entire ritual of dating someone in the Delhi Gay scene, especially via online dates. Given below are a few sample messages that have been sent to me over the past few days. These messages are the kind one should NEVER send someone they are interested in. Why? Well, such messages clearly indicate the sender is socially illiterate and the lack of articulation is always related to a lack of dating and sexual etiquette. These messages are completely unedited and presented in their original form, with the exception of the telephone numbers, those for sake of privacy (and saving them the humiliation) are edited out.


Message One:

“hey mate i am 26 m 32wst 5.8ht fair good looking guy looking forno strings attached fun and more....would u be interested?”


Now such a message is a big no-no if you really wish to make a formidable impression on the guy you wish to impress. Your profile mentions your age and height, so repeating it in a message just makes it futile and repetitive. Including your waist size, and stressing that you’re ‘fair and good looking’ just shows you lack personality and have to rely on what you consider are your good-looks in order to make up for mental stimulation. Further on, make up your mind about what you’re looking for, is it “no strings attached fun” or is it “more”? Never are the two mixed, unless of course you’re looking for a ‘fuck-buddy’, in which case, it’s best to say so clearly. However, if you are really attracted to the person whom you are sending this message, by stating you’re looking for a quickie hookup goes to show that you feel you’re below the standards of the recipient and hence offer yourself like meat hanging in a butcher-shop, just for the sake of getting some kind of attention from them. Big mistake, as it will just end up eating at your own sense of self-worth, leaving you just hollow from within.



Message Two:

“m 28 5 11 sdel yahoo id is indieuswrld”


What’s the matter? Don’t think the recipient is worthy a basic, “Hi” or a “Hello” or even a friendly, “Hey There”? Is that the impression you wish to give? And to top it off, you’re giving your messenger ID away to a complete stranger. For all you know, the recipient might just send spam your way and clog up your inbox with viruses and spyware. If you wish to take it further to your respective chat programs, wait until a ‘third’ message is exchanged from both parties, that way it shows that the other is interested in you. And never presume the other person is on the same chat program you’re on. For all you know, he might just be on MSN. So always politely ask them if they’d like to chat with you online first, and then ask them for their respective chat ID, that way it shows you care.



Message Three:

“Hi dudie..wats up...ths s mukul in gurgaon...29..slim fair hairless body ...lets talk ovr the ph thr text msgs...or I can call u if u wan...my no 981012345....nt looking for life time relation,,,but a great frndshp...for quiet a gud time...thx”


First of all, if you type out a message, make sure you know how to spell and know the basic rules of grammar; messages like this only give the impression of poor grooming and a rather shoddy educational upbringing. Secondly, when specifying where you live, it’s always “from” not “in” a particular place. Thirdly, by saying you have a “slim fair hairless body” just gives the impression that you’re an overgrown Albino Chihuahua that lacks any depth or personality. Fourthly, an excessive use of short forms and abbreviations just shows that you’re lazy, as well as, lack the ability to construct a comprehensive sentence. Fifthly, the only kind of people who give off their numbers at first go on an online dating site are either pimps and hustlers, or the kind of person who defines their self-worth by how many hookups they’ve scored. I would only suggest the sender to get an STD check up at the earliest. Also, realize giving your number randomly over the internet can lead to numerous things, from identity theft, to having a stalker. Sixthly, such a message claims that the sender isn’t looking for a “lifetime relation but a great friendship”, I’m sorry, but I believe a great friendship is a relationship that’s supposed to last a lifetime isn’t it? Seriously, if you do not have a command over a language, use the language you’re most comfortable with. I could go on and on about this message, but I’m sure you the reader has got the point.


Message Four:

“Iam Rahul . if you intt pl call 980012345. in this time i am in c.p”


Now, we’ve already covered the perils of giving out your cell number and using abbreviations and incorrect grammar in the previous message. However, the second half of the message “In this time I am in C.P” just gives the impression that you think your time and convenience goes above that of the person you’re interested in meeting. Such a message just shows you’re selfish and shallow and lack any depth of character and personality.


Now that you have seen the kind of messages to AVOID sending, some of you might be wondering, what kind of message could you send to the man you like without coming off as a total social moron, here’s a tip – Keep it Simple!


You don’t need any fancy pick-up lines, nor do you need a long elaborate message. And for goodness sakes don’t ask a person’s ‘asl’, their age is mentioned on the profile, and on a gay site website everyone is male (barring the rare tranny in New Delhi), and asking one’s ‘location’ in the first message is just dumb, as the profile mentions it already. A simple message like, “Hi, how you doin?” can work wonders. It’s short, simple, and to the point. Another good opening message can be, “Hi there, I really liked your profile, it had a special quality about it that’s so rare to find.” However, make sure the person’s profile is actually worth the compliment for its written content, not the pics displayed upon it. Never focus primarily on a person's picture or how hot they are, that just gives the impression that you solely view them as a commodity, and let's face it, nobody wants to be treated as a commodity. We all want to feel special and appreciated, and the best way to do that is to express it through a genuine and heartfelt compliment.


And once a few messages have been exchanged, go ahead, ask them out for a cup of coffee – the ideal first date is best kept at something cool and casual like a coffee shop. But more about that in Part 2 – Planning the first date!

3 comments:

Bella said...

Informative, funny...as usual! Looking forward to the next blog. :)

Crazy Sam said...

You echo my thoughts so sharply. It's actually a relief to know that there are guys who think and feel the same way about all this. I had rejected many messages on the grounds that you mentioned. But then that's what helps me to separate the worthy guys from the haystack. Also, I will be little worried if too many people come to know about these etiquette because then it becomes more complicated to chuck out the scum.

*~mad munky~* said...

i h8 ppl dat txt lyk dis

:o\

Learn to spell!!!!!! *argh*

lol.... *oops* *blush*

I wish someone would tell my dear dad that a date does not = a marriage proposal.