Delhi - A Lonely Place for the Gay

A city of more than three hundred thousand inhabitants, the city of New Delhi is a vast ever-growing city where the cogs of progress and real estate development churn at superhuman speeds. With the boom of industry and the economy rising at rates that make the powerhouse nations of the west quiver, more and more people flock to the city in the search of opportunity, and to be part of the New Delhi dream – earn a handsome six-figure income, drive a flashy car with an impressive subwoofer speaker system to make up for pint-sized gentiles, dine at classy eateries where they spend a fortune on excessively marked up food while making an ass of themselves by trying to sound ‘high-class’ by ordering “champagne on the rocks”, and finally, drop top dollar (or should I say rupee) on a swanky house in the super posh South Delhi districts (or in the water-sparse concrete jungle NCR regions). And yet it can be such a lonely place, especially for those folk who live on the queer side of the rainbow.

At first, I used to feel that I’m just overreacting, and that the city of New Delhi was full of like-minded gay men who see there’s more to life than scoring a quick-fuck off the internet. For a lot of time, I did my best to believe in it. However, in the time that I’ve spent within the gay world of New Delhi, I’ve realized that the further one searches for a special someone, the lonelier they end up feeling. And it’s not just about meeting nice guys, because despite the numerous disappointments, I have come across a few genuinely nice people (who are indeed a rare commodity), but it’s more about finding people who can really become a part of our lives in a whole complete manner.


The first thing that presents itself as an obstacle to finding such people is the whole issue of “coming out”. A country, let alone a city, that has leaped the bounds of progress ever since we gained independence from the British colonizers more than sixty-years ago, still holds on to attitudes towards homosexuality that have solely been ingrained into our minds by the foreign invaders and the times in which they invaded (and proof can be seen in an old Victorian law stated in Sec-377 of our constitution). Hence majority of us still remain in the closet, and hence limit our gay lives to the sleazy pick up lines of the next horny wanker online. Being closeted also prevents one from having a proper relationship with another gay man, as one wouldn’t be able to openly declare their love for someone, nor even be able to hold hands while walking in public without being too paranoid about “what will people think?” Those who believe being in a relationship means having someone to screw on a regular basis in discrete places (such as parking lots of malls, or dark deserted gardens at night) or whenever they have a ‘place’ to themselves, are seriously delusional. Unfortunately, that’s the definition of a ‘relationship’ for almost the entire gay scene of the city – which is unfortunately filled with closet-cases.


Then comes to the ‘cultural’ factor of the gay populous – they simply aren’t cultured. True, the term ‘culture’ is subject to perception, however, this is the same city where someone actually said, “I can’t stand the ballet – I see no point in watching fat women scream in Italian”. Gay culture is severely lacking within the gay folk of this city. Very rare would one find someone who knows the difference between Patti LuPone and Patti LaBelle, Joan Collins and Joan Crawford, or even Stephen Sondheim and Stephen Schwartz. In fact, if one has even heard of them is an achievement on its own. Being brought up to believe Bollywood with its cheap knock-off plot lines and gaudy song-and-dance numbers to be the be-all-and-end-all of culture, they’re alienated from some of the more ‘finer things’ of gay culture. A minute percent has ever been able to see gaylicious movies such as Sound of Music, West Side Story, Singing in the Rain, Funny Girl, or even the camp classics like Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert, To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar, and even The Birdcage (although I prefer La Cage aux folles). Their idea of a gay movie is solely restricted to the direct to DVD releases from production companies like Falcon and Bel Ami.


The idea of a gay icon for them is someone like Whoriah Scarey, or Senile Die-on, or Hennifer Ho-pez, and even Shitney Beers – although Madonna is someone well loved, but barely known among the gay folk here. What about Barbra Streisand? Where are the lovers of Liza? Judy Garland anyone? (although ask someone if they’ve seen The Wizard of Oz or Meet Me in St.Louis, and they’ll look at you as if you’ve spoken an ancient alien dialect). Bernadette Peters, Donna Summer, Gloria Gaynor (‘I will survive’), Lynda Carter (Wonder Woman), Bette Midler, Lana Turner, Bette Davis, Debbie Reynolds, Julie Andrews, Audrey Hepburn, Marlene Dietrich, Mae West, Madeline Kahn, Kristin Chenoweth, Idina Menzel, CHER?!?! Seriously, how can anyone claim to be gay without knowing and loving these lovely ladies of gay-icon-dom! But then again, majority of the denizens don’t even claim to be gay due to their closet-status. Hell, they call themselves ‘bisexual’ despite almost never having sex with a woman!


Plus the people of Delhi tend to take a judgmental turn on things without even knowing anything about them to begin with. One such person claimed to hate Barbra Streisand because he hated the shape of her nose without even watching a single movie or hearing a single song of hers. It was only after Jordan Sparks performed “Woman in Love” on American Idol, did he limewire the song to discover Barbra sung the original. He ended up eating his words after melting at the sound of her voice and ordered Prince of Tides, The Way We Were, and Funny Girl on DVD. Another person claimed to hate Broadway musicals because he felt all they did was scream and shout and jump around. After I played a youtube clip of the Broadway smash hit Wicked, did he become an instant lover of all things Broadway! A third claimed classical music was only for losers stuck in time till he sobbed to Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake ballet suite. Then again, the average gay man in this city thinks gay music are Bollywood ‘Item Numbers’ such as Beedi Jalayle and Dard-e-disco.


And speaking of Disco, let’s look at the options for Gay nightlife within the city. There is the infamous ‘Pearls n Petals’ that has been mentioned in depth in the very first blog post made here (My First Date), which has the same amount of class and sophistication as a truck stop in Manesar. A McDonald’s franchise is classier, with better looking patrons! Then there is the once-a-month Salvastion Star party that is held at a ‘secret location’, where the cover charge is excessive like the price of the bad quality drinks, and it is only open for barely three hours. The music played in both the places is sleazy Bollywood trash, the kind cab and auto-rickshaw (‘tuk-tuk’) drivers love blaring from their cheap stereo systems, and it’s not really the kind of place one would expect to meet someone soigné (if you have no idea what that means, it clearly shows where you stand). When I crib about this to others, claiming that I wish I could go dancing somewhere that plays good music, they ask, why not go to a straight club. I would, however the ones that play decent music are exceptionally few, and they have a strange rule known as ‘couple entry’. So hence if I ever feel like dancing to good music, I’m stuck to the privacy of my bedroom shaking my booty to Madonna’s ‘Give it 2 Me’. It’s the only place I can dance like a pussy-cat doll without worrying about either being groped by a slimey ‘uncle-ji’ or asked by a straight club in broken English that one can only dance on the main dance floor with a ‘female partner’.


Okay, so maybe night clubs and bars aren’t the best places to meet men of exalted quality, but where does one go? There are no museums worth going as they can’t really hold a candle to the Louvre, or the Met. The theater culture here is depressing – don’t expect Broadway extravaganza’s to be performed here. Opera and ballets are virtually non-existent – except for the rare times they have government sponsored shows at Sri Fort Auditorium, where the troupes that arrive are never really the kind one would ‘pay’ to see anywhere else. There are a few small activism groups out here, but they have this whole sort of ‘elitist’ complex where they think non-members are below them, so no point trying to join them unless and of course you have connections, or are willing to throw in a ton of cash.


So with a lack of ‘culture’ and a lack of watering holes to meet and greet, one might rationalize that perhaps one should look beyond that and search for someone who can make you laugh with their witty conversational skills. In this city, especially in the gay scene, finding someone who can carry of a conversation beyond ‘asl’ and ‘top, bot, or vers?’ is indeed a rare feat. If one does find someone willing to make pleasant conversation, it usually revolves around some sexual fetish of sorts, how much money the other makes, what part of the city they live in (that’s a whole different sort of class-disparity again), cock size and other measurements, Bollywood gossip, who slept with whom, and whether they spit or swallow. I remember this one time I went on a coffee date with someone who claimed he wanted to know me on a deeper soulful level, only to discover that he had no hobbies, no passions, no dreams, just a never-ending thirst to ‘stuff every hole I can find with my big 7in dick’. And those who do go beyond that, it’s almost hard to have a conversation with them as they’ve either never read any piece of literature that wasn’t enforced upon them by their schools, nor are they aware of anything remotely ‘cultural’ to discuss, except lame TV shows like FRIENDS (I prefer Will & Grace, better humor and wittier dialogue, and doesn’t revolve around corny cliché’s).


Now some of you might think that I’m just being too big a snob with too many expectations that are quite unrealistic, especially in a city like New Delhi, where the idea of being classy means being a slave to labels. However, at the end of the day, is it really too much to ask for a likeminded soul (who just happens to be cute to look at as well?)

The Nipple Pinching Flight Attendant

Being a flight attendant is like a dream job for many gay men. You get to travel all over the world wearing uniforms that make you look cute and adorable, with free hotel stay as well. You get to meet and greet all sorts of people – from celebrities and big power players in first class, to the suburban middle-class ruffians in economy. You get paid to smile, to look young, and keep fit – what gay man wouldn’t just love to be paid for that? And the best part is – you can also become a regular patron to the infamous ‘mile-high club’ (if you have no idea what that means, you so need to get out a little more often).


One of the things that I love about most flight attendants, at least the ones that lived in my fantasy world, is that they have a sense of poise and graceful charm about themselves that very few ‘civilians’ tend to possess. In fact, many people in the hospitality industry in total give the impression of being well-groomed and well-read and having quite a culturally enriched upbringing. With their knowledge of the way different cultures mesh with each other, and their ability to know when to bow before a Japanese businessman, and how Italians view cheese in a different manner than the French, one might think they stand in the same ranks of many cultural anthropologists.


That would have been true in cases of swanky airlines with attendants that have grown up in more gay-friendly and well-cultured environments. The Indian gay flight attendants, especially the ones raised in New Delhi, the city where people consider being ‘greasy’ as someone who applied too much hair gel, are a different story all together.


One such person is Rajiv, whose name has been changed for the purpose of this story.
What I liked about the way Rajiv approached me on gaydar was the way he used a mild casually flirty opening message, without sounding too corny or too cheesy. A rare feat indeed!


After a few messages online, we graduated onto yahoo, where our banter took a mild, yet cheeky, flirtatious turn. Unlike most of the men that one would chat with online, he had a rare quality that charmed me a whole lot – he made me laugh. And not just in the friendly ‘lol’ manner. I was laughing to the point that I spat on my monitor. Okay, I know that’s gross, but still, any man that can make a person laugh like that has got to be witty. Then again, it was 2 am and I was having a bout of insomnia, I could have just been an easy mark.


He was cute, but not in accordance to my extremely high standards (which leads me to be super-critical of myself), but more in the average Delhi-gay standards. He was reasonably tall (180 cms), light skin with blue-ish eyes (I prefer a golden tan with hazel or green eyes, but Delhi-ites have an obsession for all things ‘Gora’). He wasn’t well built, more of the naturally slender kind who don’t really need to work out and yet never really skinny nor fat, just slender (yes, I was jealous of that fact – why does god have to be so mean and give me cellulite!) What I liked was that none of the pics were too “posed” nor looked like they underwent a digital autopsy via Photoshop. Plus, he had that cute naughty schoolboy grin that no matter how hard he tried couldn’t mask the mischief going on in his mind.


The next night we chatted over the phone, and unlike most conversations that revolve around a third degree slew of questioning, we chatted about random things and made seemingly boring topics to stimulating battles of wits. From the exceedingly materialistic and spiritually shallow upbringing of majority of Delhi children, to how Delhi girls have no idea how to dress (that shall be a topic reserved for another blog). However, despite the seemingly casual breezy conversation, something about him just didn’t go well. My spidey-senses were tingling, and not in a good way.


When he asked me where I lived, I mentioned that I lived near a rather upscale part of town. Usually I would get a response like, “Ah okay, cool… I live in so-and-so place” and then the subject would change accordingly. I didn’t really expect the following – “Ooooo someone has grown up in the lap of luxury!”


I wasn’t really offended by that remark, although it did make me wonder where on earth he got off making a comment like that. For the curious reader, I’ve not lived in the lap of luxury, nor had a silver spoon in my mouth (or elsewhere). I just have good tastes and am well-read, and know enough about good manners to know that it’s very improper and downright rude to discuss things like wealth or similar with a complete stranger. In fact, even with friends it’s bad to talk about money. Doing so gives the impression your parents raised you to have a soul-less existence.


However, not wanting to be labeled judgmental, I ignored that remark and tried to change the topic with a quip about the latest season of Nip/Tuck. Unfortunately, Rajiv wouldn’t take a hint. He went on and on asking questions that I personally find quite offensive. How much do I earn? What all cars do I have? Do I only wear labels? So on and so forth. Finally I faked a yawn and informed him I needed my beauty-sleep in order to wake up fresh and early for Yoga. He ended the conversation with a tarty jab about sleeping on silk sheets.


Another thing that irked me about him was that he always tried to portray me as some kind of Casanova that juggled men. At first it does seem flattering, but then he just would go on and on and on without known when enough was enough. For instance, one Monday morning, he asked me what I was up to, to which I replied jokingly that I was trying to adjust to the drudgery of the week ahead. He then went, I see and you’re adjusting your appointment book. I replied, as a matter of fact, yes. And he went, I see, so it’s Tom at 10 am, Dick at 1, and Harry at 3, when is the time for me? Arching a quizzical brow I replied, “Darling do you really think I’d just bed any Tom Dick or Harry?” in the hope of diffusing the moment. He then went on about how I probably have men around the clock chasing me, and then more quips about the area I live in.


Perplexed, I decided to call Wolfie, the only gay man I can trust to listen to my tales-of-woe in the dating world and give me a complete and honest feedback.


“YOU’RE DATING RAJIV!!!” the ever-blunt Wolfie bellowed.


“No, I’m not ‘dating’ him! I’ve not even met him. Although he’s been pushing to meet me so much” Which was true, he had asked me to meet him in person over 5 times already, and it hadn’t even been a week of chatting over the phone. Not that I wouldn’t have accepted, but he kept insisting to meet at the drop of the hat. For those who wonder why that’s a problem, read parts one and two of The Art of Dating.


“Did he ask you to drive to some weird far off place?” Wolfie questioned.


“Why yes, in fact he wanted me to drive up to Sarita Vihar of all places! I never even knew such a place existed until I checked with Yahoo Maps. ” My geographical skills are exceedingly poor.


“That’s because the bastard is too cheap to go anywhere else. He lives near that area and only goes to places close by, or where his office cab can take him to if on the way to the airport. Plus the guy is a total pretender!”


“He is? Do you know him?” Of course he would know him, Wolfie knows virtually everyone in the gay scene. Aquarians – they sure do get around.


Wolfie went on to tell me about his date with Rajiv. He too was charmed by Rajiv’s wit and his calm relaxed and non-intimidating style of flirting. He too was pestered to meet him as well. On the eleventh time, Wolfie was free to meet him, and so they met up at a café near Deer park.


Once there, the first thing Rajiv did was comment about Wolfie’s weight. Like me, wolfie is a bit on the heavier side, and hence we both share a common bond of working our butts off to be thin – him by means of killing himself on a treadmill and home-weights, and me by a macrobiotic diet and yoga (so Madonna-chic I am). Wolfie was taken aback by Rajiv’s blunt comment, and said nothing, only to be shocked when Rajiv commented, “Lose 10 kilos more and you’ll look presentable enough.” Bastard!


Throughout the evening, Rajiv kept eyeing Wolfie in the creepiest manner. And anytime Wolfie mentioned anything seemingly innocent, Rajiv would perversify it and make it sound crude (come would become cum, peanuts would not be something that is edible, and let’s not get started on what all he did with ‘cream’). By the end of the evening, Wolfie didn’t just feel bad about himself and his issues with his body, but was completely offended in more ways than one. And the fact that Rajiv’s baby blue eyes had their mischevious sparkle replaced by a lecherous glaze didn’t help at all.


Just as he thought the worst was over, Rajiv walked Wolfie to the parking lot, where in broad daylight reached out and pinched his nipples. When he let out a tearful yelp, Rajiv pinched the other one. “What the fuck are you doing?” snapped Wolfie, covering his chest with his arms as if he was a woman in a bad b-grade Bollywood movie rape scene. Rajiv replied that he was so turned on by Wolfie’s nipples that he couldn’t help but sneak a pinch. Before Wolfie could reply, Rajiv went, “Gosh I so wanna fuck you in the ass, let’s get inside the backseat of your car and steam things up.”


Without a second thought Wolfie pushed him aside and drove off like a screaming fairy on the last day of a shoe sale. I’m glad Wolfie didn’t give in. It was a shitty thing to do. Make someone feel selfconscious and then shamelessly hit on them. It’s just making someone feel vulnerable and then take advantage of them when their defenses are low. Such moves are often made by date-rapists, child molesters, and sleazy casting-couch agents taking nightly auditions. To top it off, Rajiv continued to call Wolfie, begging for a hook up. It took three weeks to get him to stop doing so.


The minute I got off the phone with Wolfie, I deleted Rajiv’s number from my cellphone. He still calls. He still leaves text messages. Too bad they get deleted without being opened.

The Art of Dating - Part 2: The First Date

So, you finally managed to score a date with that hot guy from the online sites. Now is time for Act II in the courting ritual of the classy gay man – The first date. Not many people know this, but the first date is an extremely important event in the dating world, because if the first date is a total bust, forget about ever meeting the hot guy again. If he does agree to meet you despite a tragic first date, he’s either completely desperate and has low self esteem issues, or he finds you amusing and adorable at your worst. The second is highly unlikely, so don’t even bother counting on it to ever occur.


Before you ask someone out, it’s essential to at least have some chemistry online. True, one can’t really judge a person online; however, if you two can’t even click despite the apparent anonymity and the security of being shielded by computers and digital technology, it’s very unlikely that you two would click offline. It’s one of those things that even though may make you sound judgmental, almost always holds true - just like being bad on the dance floor equals being bad in bed. Although, I have been on first dates with people I’ve had barely any online interaction and they’ve turned out to be wonderful, however, they rarely make it past the first few dates, and it just leaves you disappointed that you wasted time over nothing.



Planning the First Date


Once you’ve discovered the two of you have good chemistry online and you do like them for their personality as well, it’s time to plan the first date. Now exchanging numbers is an iffy area because in the world of online dating – especially in the gay world – privacy is almost always an issue. If one of you isn’t comfortable exchanging numbers before meeting, it’s best to plan the date via chats and/or email. The pro – you can maintain privacy, and if the date doesn’t go so well, you breathe a sigh of relief that you are in no danger of being called again. The con – anything online loses the personal touch, and in case something happens last minute, you can’t call of the date without making the other feel stood up.


If you do decide to exchange numbers, it’s the initiator who makes the first call to plan the date. Keep the conversation light and casual, and for heaven’s sake, please keep the conversation on a PG-13 level. Anything more explicit than that just ruins any chance of having a romantic spark ever. Mild flirtation is always appreciated, but make sure it’s at the right time and the other person is clever enough to know the difference between a casual flirty compliment and a come-hitter-pick-up-line (and make sure you know the difference as well).


When to fix a date? Well, this is the tricky part. In a perfect world, the best first date is held sometime in the late afternoon/early evening on a Friday – the day of Venus, the goddess of love and all that jazz. However, with the onslaught of BPO’s and brutal rat-race corporate culture, it is essential to ask about their schedules and days and times that are convenient and match it up with your schedule and fix a day of the week and time that’s good for the both of you. This way both of you can feel comfortable without feeling the need to rush for the sake of schedule. And it’s best to try for sometime between four and five in the evening. The reason why that time is good, apart from being a time one won’t feel overstuffed or have their dinner appetite ruined, is that a first date should be casual and comfortable, and hence nothing can be better than grabbing a nice cup of coffee at a coffee shop.


Never ever go to a Barista or a CCD though – going there is almost like taking someone out to McDonalds for dinner. Instead, go to a non-evil-corporate chain coffee house that has comfy seating with a soothing ambience, and big cups of coffee in order to keep conversation flowing longer. However, if you find it hard to find such a place, or too expensive (as they tend to be), then settle for Costa Coffee. True, it’s a chain, but it’s not cheesy like Barista or cheap-looking like CCD, and the coffee is absolutely delicious and cups are generously sized. I’d personally recommend trying a medio size Café Mocha with cream, and if you aren’t counting calories, sweeten it with brown sugar - it’s heaven in a cup!


Now this part is important. It is essential to keep a good amount of time between the day of planning the date, and the day of the date itself. Along with the strains of one’s schedule as mentioned above, keeping a good amount of time shows you care for the individual and respect their time and convenience. I personally say it’s best to keep at least five days of a gap – i.e. if you wish to meet on the weekend, call sometime Monday or Tuesday. If you call by Thursday to plan for a weekend date, that’s acceptable, but it kind of gives a mild hint that you had nothing better to do on the weekend and hence thought you’d just pass some time with the person you’re pursuing. If you call on a Friday or on the day you wish to meet, it clearly gives the impression you don’t really care for the person and are selfish enough to believe that anyone can abandon their plans just for the sake of meeting you. So on the safer side, keep a gap of at least five days, and on the night before, call or text to confirm it.



Appearances DO Matter


By that I don’t mean the way you look, because I’m sure by the time you’ve planned your first dates, you have exchanged pictures (real ones and clear face pics – cock picks don’t count and are a big no-no you perv) and both of you find the other reasonably decent looking to agree to meet with in person. However, the way you present yourself in real life matters a whole lot, because it’s the first impression you shall make with someone offline, and this may be a cliché, but it’s exceedingly true – a first impression is an always lasting impression.


Now the theme for the first date, as we’ve established, is casual, and comfortable. However, don’t go dressed in track-pants or Bermuda shorts and open-toe sandals; being comfortable doesn’t equal to being shabby.


Only wear a pair of jeans if you’re in your twenties (and sometimes early 30s if you’re athletic and have a cute butt), because anyone older in a pair of jeans just gives the impression you’re either trying too hard to recapture your youth, or you’re just the Indian version of a redneck farm hick. However, many Indian men tend to fall into the trap of wearing pants that are only to be worn in corporate settings and formal occasions, so to be on the safe side, go with something cool and comfortable, and linen! Whatever you wear down below, make sure it falls nicely on you, flattering your legs by making them appear long and lean, and makes your ass look nice – don’t make it look too flat or like the rear half of a Maruti Swift. Shorts of all kinds are a big no-no, and only if you have well muscled calves can you try wearing Capri-pants.


Round collared t-shirts again are to be worn only if you’re in your twenties (or early thirties if you’re fit and can carry it off). A nice collared t-shirt would look good on all ages, or even a cute lil button-down shirt would look good. However, if you’re on the heavier side and wish to mask your ‘curves’, try wearing a light colored t-shirt (round necked) with a dark colored button-down shirt on top (unbuttoned of course), that way you can easily create the illusion of not having too many ‘curves’ – although it really wouldn’t hurt to take up yoga or join a gym. If you wanna experiment a little, here’s something a friend tried and looked really cute in. Take a light colored button-down shirt (full sleeved) and pair it up with a dark waist-coat of an intricate design. However, make sure you can carry it off well.


Never ever wear those big bulky sport shoes! And the same goes for open-toed sandals. Wear shoes that flatter your attire, and complement your personality. Boots are only to be worn if they are chic, not the cowboy nor the transvestite pole-dancer variety. I personally love my Converses, they are comfy enough to walk around all over and shop all day in, and trendy enough to wear almost anywhere. A good rule of thumb is that your belt and your shoes should be coordinated. It’s the cardinal rule of accessorizing.


Always shampoo and condition your hair on the day of the date. I don’t care if you use any other product (such as gel, hairspray, mousse, wax, etc); just make sure your hair looks neat and presentable. My grandmother once said that you can tell a whole lot about a person by the shoes they wear and the way they keep their hair. Trust me, it always holds true!
To those who complain and crib about getting pretty for a date think about this – would you like it if your date came as a total slob?



The Date Itself


Once the date is planned, and you’re done making yourself look pretty. It’s time for the date itself. Arrive at your meeting point at least fifteen minutes before the due time. That way you can grab a nice table and avoid having to stand and wait. Plus, punctuality is a virtue that’s rarely put into play by the average Delhi-ite, and having to wait for someone is my personal peeve, so arriving early will make a good impression on your date. However, if someone is more than 20 minutes late, that person doesn’t deserve your time.


When your date arrives, smile and wave him over in a friendly yet subtle manner (you don’t wanna look like a kid waving at Donald Duck in the Disney Land parade). If you really like him, head over and personally escort him to where you’re sitting, and pull the chair out for him – being a gentleman is always a good thing. And pay him a compliment once you’re both seated, but make sure its genuine and heartfelt and about something you do really like about the way he looks at the date, men too like to be adored you know.


If the coffee shop is the kind where you’ve got to go up to a counter and order, a good way of making an impression is to ask your date if you can get him anything. Usually men already have their favorite style of coffee (and that can even say a whole lot about their persona but more about that another time), and hence they don’t need to really hem-and-haw about it (unless they’re a fickle Libra or a nitpicky Virgo). This way you can sashay up to the counter and order it for them on their behalf. A man that takes charge of any situation is a big turn on. Unless of course your date suffers from Florence Nightingale syndrome (or as my best friend and I have termed it “Flo”), then they’ll just love a helpless mess who can’t do anything right.


If the coffee shop is the kind where waiters comes to the table then ask your date what they would like before the waiter arrives. Ordering for your date is another thing that’s charming. However, make sure you do it in a tone that’s friendly and shows that you care for your date, not in a tone that makes them feel emasculated.



Conversation is Key


This is the sole purpose of keeping the first date comfy and casual. To TALK! Get to know your date better, discover his individuality, his beliefs, and his dreams. Be a good listener and smile and nod when apt, however, don’t clam up and expect him to keep going on and on about himself (unless he’s an Aries, Gemini, Leo, or Sagittarius), take an active role when required. A good sense of humor is so important on a first date, especially a little subtle dry wit used at the right time and place - for the love of God (or Marc Vanderloo) stay away from toilet humor and crude jokes that involve cuss-words and are pornographic in nature. However, a casual flirtation is always appreciated at the right moment, and sometimes it’s fun to put a flirty spin on things. Just be sure you don’t come off too strong or too desperate.


Given below is a list of topics one should NEVER discuss while on a first date (or any date or romantic situation for that matter). If you have to ask why they shouldn’t be discussed, I strongly suggest you invest in a course or a book on manners and etiquette:

• Sexual history and exes (lovers, partners, fuck buddies, the girl you experimented with just to be sure you were gay)
• Religion
• How much you hate your job (no one likes a whiner)
• All your accomplishments (no one likes a brag)
• Educational Qualifications (It’s a date not a freaking job interview)
• Financial Status and Income (unless of course you wanna give the impression you’re a gold digger)
• Future Plans
• Medical issues
• Celebrity gossip (do you really want to give the impression that your life revolves around E!)
• Your mother (this goes especially to all men who are Cancerians)
• Your secret fantasy of being a burlesque dancer a la Satine from Moulin Rogue
• The fact that you can fit a fist in your mouth

Who pays?


Okay, we live in the twenty-first century; one should always pay for their share. However, it doesn’t hurt to be romantic and offer to pick up the check (after all, the one who asks always is supposed to pay). If your date insists on paying, try negotiating with a playful “you can get it next time”, however, if he’s still insistent, allow him to pay his half graciously. If your date doesn’t hesitate at all or expects you to pay for him, then he totally is an entitled prick! And if he doesn’t thank you afterwards, lose his number.


And I have to say this – paying for the date doesn’t guarantee sex afterwards, let alone another date.


Ending your date


If all goes well, and you two click well, offer to walk your date over to their car. Hug, and based on how comfortable and “out” the two of you are, give a mild kiss on each cheek (muah muah). I’m an old fashioned romantic, hence I believe that it’s best not to kiss deeply nor go to bed with on a first date. However, it depends form person to person – although, if you really want this to be a potential relationship, don’t shove your tongue or dick into him on your first date. Also, only say you’d call him or keep in touch with him if you intend on doing so. If you don’t, then just smile and say, it was nice meeting you, have a lovely evening ahead, and then turn and walk away. It’s that simple!



After Date Manners


Later at night, at a decent hour, send a text message stating how much you enjoyed the pleasure of his company and look forward to doing this again sometime. If he replies along the lines of wanting to meet again soon, call the next morning and plan to meet sometime again (remember the 5 day gap rule between planning a date and the date itself). Now many people feel one should wait 3 days after the first date before calling. I feel that only worked when one was living in the 1950’s with girls who wanted to grow up to be Betty Crocker. Do you wait three days before telling an employer you’re going to accept the job? No, because the job will not be available by then. The same could go with your date. So seize the opportunity and plan your second date.

And that leads us to the end of this part. Stay tuned to part 3 – The second and third date!

The Art of Dating - Part 1: Making the First Move and How

Before I start this post, it is essential that we clearly define the term date, for in a city like New Delhi, where English is one of the most butchered of all languages (due to the fact the denizens so eagerly fuse it with Hindi and peasant regional lingos of their respective states), a simple term like ‘date’ can have so many misconceptions. After all, this is the very same city which says the act of asking a person out on a date is called ‘propose’ – yes, I too was shocked and appalled at this!


According to the Merriam Webster’s dictionary, a date is an appointment to meet at a specified time, especially, a social engagement between two persons that has a romantic character. This should not be confused with the term booty-call because not all dates are blatantly about cold no-strings attached sex.


Now this might be a bit of a shock to most people who read this post, but about seventy-six percent of the denizens of this city, not just the gay ones, have no clue about how to plan out a first date, let alone a second, third, or fourth. It was probably in the late eighties that the term ‘date’ began to be used in metropolitan lingo, and later on, the term spread through the masses all over. However, it clearly seems like none of them really know the etiquette involved, as well as, how to go about the entire process.


So without further delay, here is a little guide that when followed, will assure a ninety percent improvement in the success rate of your dates and your dating life in general.


Asking someone out

Knowing how to ask someone out is half the battle. Many a times people hesitate to do so and cite numerous excuses about why they do so – be it “a bottom never makes the first move” or “I prefer being asked not asking” and my favorite “it goes against my lady-like-sensibilities”. Whenever you give yourself such an excuse, it’s complete bullshit, because at the end of the day, it’s just your own low self-esteem issues and fear of rejection that prevents you from asking the perfect person out on a date. Majority of the times, people even claim to be shy, but the truth is they can’t differentiate between being shy and fearing rejection.


Now if you’re hungry, do you wait for food to magically crawl over onto your plate (unless of course you’re Korean and eat live squid)? If you’re thirsty do you wait for water to pour itself in a glass in front of you? No – you go satisfy your hunger by either preparing a meal yourself or going/ordering out, and when thirsty, you get off your lazy butt and pour yourself a glass of water. Being ‘shy’ and ‘lady-like’ doesn’t hold you back from eating when hungry and drinking when thirsty, and hence it shouldn’t really hold you back from asking the cute guy you’ve been eyeing on the gay personals site for oh so long.


What’s the worst that can happen? They say ‘no’ or don’t respond to your message? Big deal! Dating is risk. It could or it couldn’t work, but it’s a risk either way. At least when you make an attempt, you have a fifty percent greater chance of that person agreeing to go out with you, than if you don’t make an attempt due to your ‘shyness’. So next time you’re browsing through gaydar, manjam, or guys4men, or the various other sites out there, and you see the guy you fancy. Send him a message! The best guys are never single for long, hence make your move now before you regret it and live in a melancholic slump of “what if?” and “if only?”


The opening message


Now this is another essential aspect in the entire ritual of dating someone in the Delhi Gay scene, especially via online dates. Given below are a few sample messages that have been sent to me over the past few days. These messages are the kind one should NEVER send someone they are interested in. Why? Well, such messages clearly indicate the sender is socially illiterate and the lack of articulation is always related to a lack of dating and sexual etiquette. These messages are completely unedited and presented in their original form, with the exception of the telephone numbers, those for sake of privacy (and saving them the humiliation) are edited out.


Message One:

“hey mate i am 26 m 32wst 5.8ht fair good looking guy looking forno strings attached fun and more....would u be interested?”


Now such a message is a big no-no if you really wish to make a formidable impression on the guy you wish to impress. Your profile mentions your age and height, so repeating it in a message just makes it futile and repetitive. Including your waist size, and stressing that you’re ‘fair and good looking’ just shows you lack personality and have to rely on what you consider are your good-looks in order to make up for mental stimulation. Further on, make up your mind about what you’re looking for, is it “no strings attached fun” or is it “more”? Never are the two mixed, unless of course you’re looking for a ‘fuck-buddy’, in which case, it’s best to say so clearly. However, if you are really attracted to the person whom you are sending this message, by stating you’re looking for a quickie hookup goes to show that you feel you’re below the standards of the recipient and hence offer yourself like meat hanging in a butcher-shop, just for the sake of getting some kind of attention from them. Big mistake, as it will just end up eating at your own sense of self-worth, leaving you just hollow from within.



Message Two:

“m 28 5 11 sdel yahoo id is indieuswrld”


What’s the matter? Don’t think the recipient is worthy a basic, “Hi” or a “Hello” or even a friendly, “Hey There”? Is that the impression you wish to give? And to top it off, you’re giving your messenger ID away to a complete stranger. For all you know, the recipient might just send spam your way and clog up your inbox with viruses and spyware. If you wish to take it further to your respective chat programs, wait until a ‘third’ message is exchanged from both parties, that way it shows that the other is interested in you. And never presume the other person is on the same chat program you’re on. For all you know, he might just be on MSN. So always politely ask them if they’d like to chat with you online first, and then ask them for their respective chat ID, that way it shows you care.



Message Three:

“Hi dudie..wats up...ths s mukul in gurgaon...29..slim fair hairless body ...lets talk ovr the ph thr text msgs...or I can call u if u wan...my no 981012345....nt looking for life time relation,,,but a great frndshp...for quiet a gud time...thx”


First of all, if you type out a message, make sure you know how to spell and know the basic rules of grammar; messages like this only give the impression of poor grooming and a rather shoddy educational upbringing. Secondly, when specifying where you live, it’s always “from” not “in” a particular place. Thirdly, by saying you have a “slim fair hairless body” just gives the impression that you’re an overgrown Albino Chihuahua that lacks any depth or personality. Fourthly, an excessive use of short forms and abbreviations just shows that you’re lazy, as well as, lack the ability to construct a comprehensive sentence. Fifthly, the only kind of people who give off their numbers at first go on an online dating site are either pimps and hustlers, or the kind of person who defines their self-worth by how many hookups they’ve scored. I would only suggest the sender to get an STD check up at the earliest. Also, realize giving your number randomly over the internet can lead to numerous things, from identity theft, to having a stalker. Sixthly, such a message claims that the sender isn’t looking for a “lifetime relation but a great friendship”, I’m sorry, but I believe a great friendship is a relationship that’s supposed to last a lifetime isn’t it? Seriously, if you do not have a command over a language, use the language you’re most comfortable with. I could go on and on about this message, but I’m sure you the reader has got the point.


Message Four:

“Iam Rahul . if you intt pl call 980012345. in this time i am in c.p”


Now, we’ve already covered the perils of giving out your cell number and using abbreviations and incorrect grammar in the previous message. However, the second half of the message “In this time I am in C.P” just gives the impression that you think your time and convenience goes above that of the person you’re interested in meeting. Such a message just shows you’re selfish and shallow and lack any depth of character and personality.


Now that you have seen the kind of messages to AVOID sending, some of you might be wondering, what kind of message could you send to the man you like without coming off as a total social moron, here’s a tip – Keep it Simple!


You don’t need any fancy pick-up lines, nor do you need a long elaborate message. And for goodness sakes don’t ask a person’s ‘asl’, their age is mentioned on the profile, and on a gay site website everyone is male (barring the rare tranny in New Delhi), and asking one’s ‘location’ in the first message is just dumb, as the profile mentions it already. A simple message like, “Hi, how you doin?” can work wonders. It’s short, simple, and to the point. Another good opening message can be, “Hi there, I really liked your profile, it had a special quality about it that’s so rare to find.” However, make sure the person’s profile is actually worth the compliment for its written content, not the pics displayed upon it. Never focus primarily on a person's picture or how hot they are, that just gives the impression that you solely view them as a commodity, and let's face it, nobody wants to be treated as a commodity. We all want to feel special and appreciated, and the best way to do that is to express it through a genuine and heartfelt compliment.


And once a few messages have been exchanged, go ahead, ask them out for a cup of coffee – the ideal first date is best kept at something cool and casual like a coffee shop. But more about that in Part 2 – Planning the first date!